Worst Case Scenario: 2009-10 preview

This issue of The Observer is the last one of the year, which means this is the last time you'll be hearing from me. I'll (hopefully) be graduating, leaving Case behind and going to law school.Before I go, however, I want you to be prepared for the future, so I made some predictions about how things are going to be next year. I hope you're ready, because the coming year looks to be quite the exciting time.

- The incoming freshmen will once again be more attractive and way dumber than any previous class. It's a story as old as time.

- Case will go through yet another rebranding campaign to attract applicants. The administration will hire Disney to help them come up with a new image. The university will be renamed Case Funiversity. The logo will become a fat man planting a tree to demonstrate Case's commitment to the environment. The student center will get bumper cars. The lines will be unfathomable.

- After the success of their new motorized tricycles, Case police will start bringing in increasingly ridiculous forms of transportation for police officers. By the end of next year they will be riding robot horses. The year after that it will be flying brooms.

- Barbara Snyder will send a campus-wide e-mail revealing that she came from the future to save our school from financial crisis. She will tell us all about how, during her time, the Internet developed sentience and is attacking humans, and how Case is humanity's only hope. Her revelation will surprise no one, since not a single student reads e-mails from the administration anyway.

- The Greenies will receive new paint jobs. Nothing else will change.

- Cleveland will suddenly become a trendy spot for young hipsters, leading to a massive influx of people from all over the country. The hipsters will cite the working-class attitude of the city as "cool." They will pour huge amounts of capital into Cleveland's economy as they buy all kinds of old, ugly junk with which to decorate their lofts. Their oversized trust funds will be a boon to the entire city. Future Clevelander generations - now living in the world's cultural capital - will refer to it as the Hipster Renaissance.

- Frank Gehry will visit campus to personally apologize for the problems caused by the Peter B. Lewis building's poor engineering. He will somehow leave campus with a contract to build new dormitories.

- The administration will unveil an amazing plan to construct underground tunnels to connect campus buildings so that students, faculty, and staff do not have to walk outside during winter months. The plan, however, will never come to fruition. Students will be up in arms, writing letters and posting flyers. The administration will laugh and laugh and laugh.

It looks like it will be pretty busy next year for those of you who will be remaining at Case. I wish you tons of luck in dealing with the insanity.

My time here is up, but I have one last piece of advice to give you: duck. Goodbye forever!